To Snapes Horror
by Shriek Like A Ring Wraith
Summary: You guessed it! Another HarrySnape fan fic, but with a humorous twist! Dumbledore 'bribes' Snape to take Harry in for the summer. No slash.
1. Cheese

Severus Snape had just sat down with a large pizza to watch his favorite movie, Galaxy Quest, when an owl swooped in and dropped a letter on top of the pizza. "RUDDY OWLS!" He promptly threw the remote at the owl. The remote hit the owl in the head and it fell to the floor, dead. "Oops..." He let out a deep sigh and opened the letter, eyeing the owl wearily

Dear Severus,  
I seem to have lost a crucial part to my Hogwarts Lego set! Please come to the castle as soon as possible! The fate of Scotland depends on it!  
-Albus Dumbledore

He sighed. This was rubbish! He Apparated to Hogwarts. Bloody magic force fields...or...whatever they were. Because of them he had to walk all the way up the bloody hill when he came back from poker night with the Death Eaters. When he got to Dumbledore's office, he found the old man admiring the Lego set.

"Ah, Severus! Please, please, sit down!" The Potions master sat down in a chair and suddenly sprang up with a cry. "Oh no....you've totally wrecked my Chamber of Secrets Lego set! That took me eight hours!" Dumbledore said, looking thoroughly disappointed.

"Sorry, Headmaster." Severus said, not the least bit sorry.

"Severus...Scotland is safe...but I've got some important news..." Dumbledore started, but then Sirius came in.  
  
"AH!"  
  
"YOU!"  
  
"Fight me like a man, you pansy!"  
  
"You dog!"  
  
The two were engaged in a fierce battle of thumb-war and had to be separated by Dumbledore. "That's quite enough! You both know that all disputes should be dealed with a quick game of 'Go Fish'. I don't want to see any more of this thumb- war nonsense!"  
  
Sirius glared at Severus and said to Dumbledore, "But he turned me into a newt!" Dumbledore raised an eyebrow. "It got better..."  
  
"What was this 'important news' you wanted to tell me?" Severus grinned. Black looked pathetic as he objected the idea of Severus hearing important news.  
  
"The man can't even find the shampoo aisle! Surely you're not going to tell him 'important news'!!!"  
  
"Yes, yes...I am." Dumbledore's eyes twinkled merrily as he placed the Lego versions of Harry Potter on top of the Astronomy tower and Mrs. Norris hanging out a window. "Severus is going to take Harry in for the summer."  
  
Severus collapsed in a dead faint as Black howled with laughter. Dumbledore sighed and began to think of new ways to cheat at Harry Potter: Trivial Pursuit. After much thinking, Sirius finally stopped laughing and Severus finally sat up, holding the first season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer that he had managed to squash when he fainted.  
  
Dumbledore looked offended, but soon forgot about the squashed DVD's. He cleared his throat, "I'm running for President of the United States." He chuckled at the looks of sheer horror on Sirius and Severus' faces. "Just kidding...but Severus is taking Harry in for the summer. I do believe the Dursley's are forcing Harry to watch 'The Beatles Live: a recording'"  
  
Sirius gasped. "How do you know that?"  
  
"The Lego instructions teaches you 'How to Develop Psychic Powers'" He held out a piece of paper which Severus took.  
  
"Um...Albus ...I think you need to get new glasses...this says 'The Death of Austin Powers."  
  
"What a pity...that was a good movie."  
  
Severus did not agree, but got back to the subject of Harry. "I will not take that let that brat stay with me!"  
  
"Purdy please Severus?"  
  
"No."  
  
"I'll give you cheese..."  
  
Severus looked up and asked suspiciously, "Where?"  
  
Dumbledore pulled a large block of Sweden's Finest Cheese. Severus grabbed the cheese and stuffed it into an inside pocket of his robes. "Okay, we've got a deal." Severus quickly walked out.  
  
Dumbledore turned to Sirius, smiling. "Ahhh, the power of cheese."  
  
::Next:: soon...hopefully...hope you enjoyed my bit of insanity that I wrote at 3:00 in the morning...please review! I don't know what's up with it, but it won't allow annonomous reviews, but if you're a member of please review! Thanks for reading it!  
  
Disclaimer: All characters, ideas, places, things, and such belong to J.K. Rowling. Special Edition Harry Potter Lego's do not belong to me...they...er...belong to whoever it is who makes them...and I do not own Galaxy Quest, or any Trivial Pursuit games. I don't own Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Austin Powers, or Sweden's Finest Cheese...or the slogan "Ahhh, the power of cheese"....I think that about covers it... oh yes and I own don't any Monty Python ideas and such..okay...now we're good...


	2. Blame the Chocolate

Chapter 2

Snape stood in front of Number Four, Privet Drive, eating a piece of cheese. He was a strange sight, but all the same he knocked on the door, waiting for someone to answer. A bony woman answered the door and almost fainted at the sight of him.  
"Is Potter home? I'm take him away." Snape said in a quiet voice.  
Aunt Petunia suddenly became much nicer to him. "Yes, he's in the living room, please, do come in."  
Snape stepped inside, following Aunt Petunia into the living room, where he saw Harry glaring at the TV where 'The Beatles Live: a recording' was on. So, Dumbledore was right...what a strange person...  
When Harry saw his Potions Master standing in the Dursely's living room, he nearly fell off the couch, which is saying something.  
"AH! YOU!" Harry yelled, standing up so quickly that his glasses went askew.   
Snape sighed. He always got these reactions. "Get your things boy, you're going to stay with me for the rest of the summer."  
Harry looked horrorified. "But...why?"  
"Because I'm really your father!" He enjoyed he look of shock and torment on Harry's face before saying, "Not really, Albus gave me some cheese."  
Harry's mouth was open slightly. "Cheese?"  
"Yes, cheese. Sweden's finest. Now, get your things! And I want to see how much of the homework I gave to you that you've finished."  
"But I haven't had the chance to work on it!"  
"I don't want to hear excuses! Hurry up!"  
Harry muttered something nasty and sulked all the way up the stairs. He noisely threw all his stuff in his trunk and grabbed Hedwig's cage and came back downstairs. Snape was still standing there. "Well? Let's see it then!" Harry handed him a piece of blank parchment. "Tut tut, Potter, I'm disappointed in you."  
"You've always been disappointed in me, Professor."  
"Oh, yes, right...much too much Galaxy Quest." He muttered to himself. "Well, come on Potter...I have to show you to Dumbledore so we can sign the deal."  
Harry scowled and followed Snape out the door. "So how are we going to get 'home' Oh Great Wizard of OZ."  
"10 points from Gryffindor!" Harry looked at him as though he were stupid. "Er...detention..." Once again he looked at Snape as though he were very stupid, "Oh damn it all! Just...go!"  
Harry went outside and Snape followed him. He reached into his robes and pulled out a candy bar and a rotting banana. Harry cringed. "What are those for?"   
"It's the Portkey, you imperitent child!"  
"A Hershey's bar?" Harry asked in disbelief.  
"Of course not! That's mine!" He held out the rotting banana, "This is the Portkey." He tossed the putrid thing at Harry where some of it's inner contents splattered on his shirt. He looked up to see Snape stuggling with the wrapper, which he finally got open with his wand. "Muggle rubbish...the things they dream up..." He held tightly on to the chocolate then activated the portkey. He took a bite of chocolate and was enjoying it so much he didn't realize he had not been touching the Portkey.  
  
Harry looked around. He was in the middle of a forest with a Portkey he didn't know how to use. He dropped it on the ground and started to walk off in the direction of the fading sun. He wasn't sure how long he walked, but was startled when he walked into a clearing where a dark-looking two story house stood. He eyed it wearily before walking up the pathway and knocking on the door. There was no answer. He looked around some more and 'Ahhh'ed when he saw 'Snape' above the door. He smiled wickedly and pushed open the door....  
  
::Next:: Not sure, I have to work on chpater 3 of Lord Elrond's House, but I'll try. Sorry to leave ya with such a cliffhanger, but cliffhangers are my specialty....oh yes...  
Disclaimer: I don't feel like putting everything so I'm just gonna say none of it belongs to me and leave it at that..mwahahahaha...anyway, please review! I've got it to where annonomous can review, thanks to Rising Penguin of the Sun!


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